The Girl She Was Read online

  ABOUT THE BOOK

  ‘She’d long ago stopped wondering whether anyone would find out what she’d done. It was in the past, and Layla didn’t dwell on the past.’

  Layla was just like any other teenager in the small town of Glasswater Bay: she studied hard, went out with her friends and worked at the local cafe after school. But when her attractive, married boss turned his attention on her, everything changed.

  Twenty years later, she’s living a quiet life in the suburbs with a loving husband and two children. She’s finally left the truth of what happened behind. Until she receives a text message: I know what you did.

  For years, she’s outrun her past, turning away from her friends and her home town. Now her past is about to catch up.

  A seventeen-year-old girl is just never, ever in her prime. Ever.

  Hannah Gadsby

  For all the fierce, funny, brilliant women I’ve been fortunate to have in my life.

  NOW

  Layla Flynn was breaking up a fight when she got the message. Her two children grappled with each other in the bath, sloshing warm water over the rim and soaking Layla’s shoes. She pulled Ella away from Louis, half-heartedly threatening, for the fifth time, to pull out the plug, then took her phone from her back pocket. On the screen, there was a notification from Facebook Messenger; a message from a woman whose name she’d never expected to see again.

  I know what you did.

  No preamble, no sign-off, just those five words.

  An all-too-familiar unease glimmered deep inside her. It’d been twenty years since she’d left Glasswater Bay. She’d long ago stopped wondering whether anyone would find out what she’d done. It was in the past, and Layla didn’t dwell on the past.

  Louis filled his mouth with water and spat it in his sister’s face, and within seconds they were splashing each other again, sending waves of water onto the bathroom floor. Layla pocketed the phone and lifted her son’s squirming body out of the bath.

  She’d ignore the message. No one could prove anything now.

  THEN

  Sweet sixteen and never been kissed. God, I was such a cliché. Except that I was seventeen, which made it even more pathetic.

  Sitting here against the wall at the Glasswater Bay High School social, watching as half my classmates coupled up and began to sway awkwardly on the dance floor: a wallflower, Grandma would say. The blue, purple and white lights from the rotating disco ball overhead didn’t reach the bench where I was, so I could sit in gloomy anonymity, the paper plate balanced on my lap littered with pastry crumbs. My gaze flicked irresistibly to my friend Shona, whose lips were locked with her new boyfriend’s, their pelvises fused together, his hands clutching her bum.

  Renee bumped into me as she plonked down on the bench beside me. ‘Why don’t they ever play decent music at these things?’

  ‘If they played Magic Dirt or Regurgitator, I might actually enjoy a social for once,’ I agreed. ‘I don’t know why we bother coming.’

  ‘Well, for that.’ Renee threw an arm out towards Shona and Daniel. ‘Look at them. Practically dry-rooting.’

  ‘They’ll be rooting for real later on.’ I laughed to cover up the sting of this fact. I’d had an unspoken and unrequited crush on Daniel for the last year. But considering I’d never done anything about it, let alone told my two best friends, I could hardly be angry with Shona for asking him to the social. So now she was pashing my one true love while I watched like a creepy weirdo in the darkness.

  ‘We need to find you a guy,’ Renee said. ‘I bet you could hook up with anyone here. You look totally hot tonight.’

  I glanced down at my black dress that I spent half my wages on last week. The bodice would’ve looked sexy on any of my classmates, but my almost-flat chest made me look like a twelve-year-old pretending to be a high-class escort. I was what was charmingly known as a ‘late bloomer’, confirmed by the lack of romantic interest throughout my high school years.

  Renee was sweet to say so, but I knew how I really looked.

  ‘It’s not like we’re inundated with options,’ I said, ignoring the fact that none of the boys here even knew I was alive. ‘Glasswater’s a dive full of pigs and losers.’

  Her eyes scanned the room. ‘What about Sam? He’s cute.’

  I screwed up my nose. ‘His idea of humour is telling the whole class how many times he wanked on the weekend.’

  ‘OK, who else? I know, Rasheed! He’s hot in a nerdy kind of way.’

  ‘Rasheed’s nice, but we’ve got nothing in common.’

  ‘You’re both brainiacs,’ Renee pointed out. ‘And you both like reading. Maybe he could read your lips.’ She chuckled.

  I couldn’t help laughing. ‘Thanks, but I think I’d rather wait for the right guy.’

  Renee gave me a wry smile. ‘Babe, you know I love you to death, but if I leave it up to you, you’ll never make a move on anyone. Do you really want to start uni next year having never kissed a guy?’ She glanced over her shoulder. ‘Look, he’s over there by himself. I’ll go talk to him.’

  ‘No, Renee, don’t.’ I tried to restrain my friend, but she’d already escaped, sidling between the gyrating couples until she reached Rasheed.

  My face burned as she spoke to him. Rasheed was nice and all, and good looking too, with his golden skin and long-lashed dark eyes, but he was even more self-conscious than I was. I’d rarely seen him speak outside of being the first to answer all the teacher’s questions in Biology. But Renee had a point about popping my kissing cherry before I finished school. The older I got, the more I felt like a giant loser. But doing it with Rasheed? No doubt he’d never kissed anyone either. He probably wouldn’t even come over.

  He was coming over.

  Renee was clutching his hand and grinning at me in triumph as she delivered my prize. He looked embarrassed to the point of physical pain. I almost felt sorry for him, until I remembered that Renee had just told him I liked him and now I was about to be rejected by a guy I wasn’t even interested in to begin with. Renee deposited him on the bench beside me.

  ‘You kids have fun!’ She winked at me. ‘I’m going to get a Coke.’

  Humiliation fizzed in my belly as she sashayed away. I darted a glance at Rasheed. ‘Hey.’

  ‘Hey.’ He shifted uncomfortably, as if he was trying to move further away from me without being too obvious. We both stared straight ahead as the ballad ended and was replaced with an energetic Destiny’s Child number. The guys peeled away from the dance floor in a wave while the girls whooped with glee and formed circles to shake their manes and wiggle their hips. I tried to think of something to say to Rasheed, but my mind was blank, and the longer we sat there, not talking, the more the discomfort swelled in my throat.

  ‘Read any good books lately?’ I finally managed to squeak.

  ‘Sorry?’ Rasheed leant closer to hear my voice over the music. His cologne smelt nice – spicy and woody. I repeated my question, and to my surprise his face lit up. ‘Yeah, I’ve just finished Assassin’s Apprentice by Robin Hobb – have you read it?’

  ‘Sorry, I haven’t heard of it.’

  ‘It’s an epic fantasy. Do you read much fantasy?’

  ‘Uh, no, not really.’ So much for having something in common.

  We resumed our uneasy silence and stared out into the crowd. I spotted Renee gesturing at me from where she was dancing with Shona, giving me the what are you waiting for? signal. I frowned and shook my head at her. An early eighties song came on and there was a cry of joy from the dance floor. The night was almost over, and I wanted to be up there with my friends, dancing and having fun, but instead I was stuck here with Rasheed, vying for the position of Lord Mayor of Awkward Town.

  Then Rasheed said s
omething I couldn’t make out, and as I moved closer to hear him better, he launched forwards and our teeth clashed. He drew back a little, mumbled an apology and then his mouth was on mine again. For a few seconds, I was frozen, then his tongue was in my mouth and I was trying to kiss him back, but our teeth kept knocking together and it was all very, well, wet. Was this really what I’d been waiting for all this time?

  Just as I was wondering how I could politely break contact, there came the sound of whooping over the metallic synth-pop music. Rasheed drew away, smiling shyly. On the edge of the dance floor, Renee and Shona were clapping and cheering. My face flushed hot and I shuffled away from Rasheed, tugging my dress down over my thighs and wishing I could wipe my mouth. Renee swooped in and took my hand, pulling me to my feet.

  ‘Come to the ladies with me.’ She threw a smile over her shoulder at Rasheed as she led me towards the toilets. Shona fell in beside me.

  As soon as the doors closed behind us, they both threw their arms around me and jumped up and down. I laughed. ‘You guys are more excited about this than I am.’

  ‘Layla Flynn, the tongue-wrestling champion!’ Shona declared.

  ‘So, how was it?’ Renee asked as we turned to the mirror to reapply our lipstick.

  ‘It was bloody gross,’ I said. ‘I can’t believe you actually enjoy doing that.’

  ‘Oh, I love kissing!’ Renee enthused.

  ‘It gets better.’ Shona inspected her teeth in the mirror. ‘It’s like sex. The first time sucks, but the next time is better, and by the third you can’t get enough.’

  I stared down into the sink. Both my friends had lost their virginity when they were fifteen, and I was still going on about how yucky boys were. Renee bumped her elbow into me gently. ‘You know what, Rasheed’s probably just a crap kisser.’

  ‘I guess it wasn’t that bad,’ I lied. ‘I just don’t really like him that way.’

  ‘At least you’ve done it now,’ Shona said. ‘You’ll be bonking before you know it.’

  ‘Speaking of which,’ Renee said, ‘is bonking on your agenda tonight, Shona?’

  ‘Well, Daniel’s taking me to Bruiser’s party after this, so we’ll see what happens. But I have precautions!’ Shona plucked a string of at least five condoms from her make-up case and unfurled them with a flick of her wrist.

  They burst into giggles, and the ache in my belly grew. It’s not as if I was anything more to Daniel than a cardboard cut-out beside my hot friends, but the idea that Shona was probably going to have sex with him in the back of his car tonight made me shrink inside a little.

  Shona snapped her case closed. ‘Let’s go, bitches.’

  The music had stopped and the lights were on when we emerged from the toilets. Students milled around in small groups, saying goodbye or finding out who was going to Bruiser’s party. Shona made a beeline for Daniel, who was chatting with his mates, and Renee and I trailed behind her. Just as we reached them, Rasheed materialised, eyeing me nervously. He looked unsure what was expected of him.

  Daniel nodded towards Renee, Rasheed and me. ‘You guys coming to Bruiser’s party? There’ll be booze.’

  Rasheed flushed. ‘I can’t, sorry, my mum is picking me up.’ He stole a glance at me. ‘See you at school on Monday, Layla?’

  ‘Sure.’ I tried not to show my relief that the whole encounter was over.

  ‘I should go.’ He began to back away. ‘She’ll be waiting out the front.’

  Daniel snorted as Rasheed turned and hurried towards the exit. ‘Can’t keep Mummy waiting!’ he said, loud enough that Rasheed must have heard him.

  ‘Hey, don’t be mean!’ Shona elbowed him in the ribs. ‘What about you guys? Coming to the party?’

  ‘Absolutely,’ Renee said.

  I hesitated. I’d told my parents I’d stay at Renee’s place for this very reason, but after the kiss, my mood had tanked. I didn’t feel changed, or more mature, or different in any way. I was still the same geek I’d been before I bumped teeth with Rasheed.

  ‘C’mon, Lay,’ Shona said. ‘We’ll find you someone else to pash. Someone who’s better at it than Rasheed.’

  ‘I don’t know—’ I started, but I was cut short as Daniel let out a bellow of laughter.

  ‘You pashed Rasheed? That’s scraping the barrel, isn’t it?’

  I wasn’t sure whether he was insulting me or Rasheed, or both of us, but suddenly Daniel didn’t seem quite so attractive anymore. ‘I think I might just go home.’

  ‘No, come, please!’ Renee took both my hands and gave them a little shake. ‘It won’t be the same without you. Have a few drinks and you’ll be right.’

  I squeezed her hands. ‘I’m a bit over it tonight. Sorry.’

  Shona gave Daniel a push. ‘You didn’t have to be such a dick about Rasheed.’

  Daniel grabbed her hand and pulled her back to him, slinging his arm around her shoulders. His possessiveness both annoyed the crap out of me and made me feel small with envy.

  ‘Fine.’ He winked at me. ‘If the lady doesn’t want to go, then we’ll give her a lift home.’

  My annoyance dissipated and my estimation of Daniel went back up. ‘Thanks. That’d be great.’

  *

  Renee and I squeezed into the back seat of Daniel’s car with his two friends, me squashed against one window and Renee practically sitting in Vince’s lap. No one bothered with seatbelts. As silvery beams from streetlights slid across our laps, I indulged the fantasy that Daniel secretly liked me and was only with Shona to get closer to me. It would explain his barbed comments to Rasheed, coupled with his offer of a lift home. And there was that wink before. Though his enthusiastic groping with Shona on the dance floor didn’t exactly fit this theory. Then I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the window: the childish jut of my chin, my boring chestnut-brown hair, the dusting of freckles visible even in this light. I pressed my cheek against the cold glass. Of course he didn’t like me; I was ridiculous.

  When we stopped at Glasswater Bay’s only set of traffic lights, Daniel started kissing Shona again. The lights turned green but they showed no sign of stopping. I went to nudge Renee, only to discover that she was similarly occupied with Vince, while Sam was too busy staring out of his own window to notice. Irritation rose within me.

  ‘Hey!’ I shouted, louder than I’d intended. ‘The light’s green.’

  Shona broke away from Daniel with a laugh and he took off, the tyres squealing. Renee didn’t even come up for air.

  As I directed Daniel to my house, I realised that it wasn’t going to parties or being Daniel’s girlfriend that I wanted … I wanted to want it, but the truth was, what I really felt like doing was going home with my friends and talking all night like we used to do. Wearing our undies on the outside of our clothes and standing on Renee’s parents’ coffee table to mime Madonna songs. Talking about cute boys at school, safe in the knowledge that we’d never do anything about it.

  My friends were leaving me behind, but I didn’t want to catch up with them. I wanted to hold them back with me.

  Renee finally came unstuck from Vince as we pulled up outside my house, her freshly applied lipstick kissed away, the pale skin around her mouth raw and red. There was an unfocused look in her eyes as she put her arm around my shoulder. ‘Sure you don’t want to come with us? It’ll be fun.’

  ‘Nah, I don’t think so. Have a good night.’ I swung open the door and got out onto the footpath. Daniel didn’t even wait for me to get to the front door before he screeched away up the street.

  Mum was sitting at the round table in the kitchen when I walked in, her hands clasped around a mug of tea. ‘I thought you were staying at Renee’s tonight?’

  ‘Nah,’ I said. ‘They were going to a party, but I didn’t feel like it.’

  Her face brightened over the rim of her mug, and I could tell she was trying to mask her delight at how responsible I was. ‘Do you want a cuppa?’

  ‘Think I might go to bed,’ I said.

&n
bsp; ‘All right, sleep well.’

  I went to my bedroom and threw myself onto my single bed with its pink quilt cover and girlish ruffles, cursing my stupid dumb immaturity and the stupid dumb boys in this stupid dumb town.

  NOW

  The moment Cameron got home from work, Layla forgot about the message. As always, his gaze sought out hers first, his soft brown eyes warm with affection. He kissed her, loosening his tie with one hand. It was this practice – this deliberate decision to check in with her first rather than focusing his attention straight on the kids – that kept the connection between them alive. It was one of the things she loved about him.

  ‘How were they today?’ he asked, kneeling down to let Louis and Ella hurl themselves at him.

  ‘Oh, you know,’ Layla said vaguely. ‘Somewhere along the spectrum of sweet angel to chaos demon.’

  Layla adored her children with a fierceness that surprised her, but sometimes the weight of their need was suffocating, especially on the days she was home with them. When she and Cam had decided to have kids, they’d planned to share the parenting equally, but despite their best intentions they’d fallen into traditional gender roles. When she’d returned from maternity leave to her job as a pharmacist the first time round, Cam had been earning more than she was, and there hadn’t seemed much sense in him taking a pay cut to work part-time, especially when they’d planned to have another baby so soon. And then when she was ready to go back after having Ella, he’d just got a promotion and going part-time was out of the question. Over time, they’d grown accustomed to the extra money, and they’d stopped talking about when it would be Cam’s turn to drop hours. She’d learnt to tame the hot flash of jealousy every time he donned his suit jacket and walked out the front door. But she couldn’t quite shake the lingering suspicion that he was glad to escape to the refuge of his work … that he enjoyed playing the part of the overworked dad who wished he could spend more time with his kids.

  Cam straightened, holding Louis upside down as he howled with glee. ‘Did you eat your dinner tonight, champ?’